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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Nickname
Stitches
Nicknames
Baseball
Kids

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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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