Quote

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Looks
Car
Thinking
Doors
Told
Wife
Slammed
Hand
Fingernails
Purpose
Sexy
Black
Thinks
Hands
Door

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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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