Quote

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Hand
Fingernails
Purpose
Sexy
Black
Thinks
Hands
Door
Looks
Car
Thinking
Doors
Told
Wife
Slammed

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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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