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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Told
Wife
Slammed
Hand
Fingernails
Purpose
Sexy
Black
Thinks
Hands
Door
Looks
Car
Thinking
Doors

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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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