Quote

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Wife
Slammed
Hand
Fingernails
Purpose
Sexy
Black
Thinks
Hands
Door
Looks
Car
Thinking
Doors
Told

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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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