Quote

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Purpose
Sexy
Black
Thinks
Hands
Door
Looks
Car
Thinking
Doors
Told
Wife
Slammed
Hand
Fingernails

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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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