Quote

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Black
Thinks
Hands
Door
Looks
Car
Thinking
Doors
Told
Wife
Slammed
Hand
Fingernails
Purpose
Sexy

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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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