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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Laughing
Already
Persons
Person
Better
Make
Tony
Laugh

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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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