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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Person
Better
Make
Tony
Laugh
Laughing
Already
Persons

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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