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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Already
Persons
Person
Better
Make
Tony
Laugh
Laughing

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips