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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Person
Better
Make
Tony
Laugh
Laughing
Already
Persons

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Philips