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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Better
Make
Tony
Laugh
Laughing
Already
Persons
Person

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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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