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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Persons
Person
Better
Make
Tony
Laugh
Laughing
Already

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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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