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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Well
England
Time
Completely
Love
Months
Heathrow
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips