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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Love
Months
Heathrow
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
Well
England
Time
Completely
More quotes by Emo Philips
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
Emo Philips
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
Emo Philips
In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips