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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
England
Well
Completely
Time
Months
Heathrow
Love

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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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