Quote

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Love
Months
Heathrow
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
Well
England
Time
Completely

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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