Share
×
Inspirational Quotes
Authors
Professions
Topics
Tags
Quote
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
Share
Change background
T
T
T
Change font
Original
TAGS & TOPICS
Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Love
Months
Heathrow
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
Well
England
Time
Completely
More quotes by Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips
I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
Emo Philips
They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
Emo Philips
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips