Quote

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
England
Well
Completely
Time
Months
Heathrow
Love

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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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