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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
Well
England
Time
Completely
Love
Months
Heathrow

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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