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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
Well
England
Time
Completely
Love
Months
Heathrow
Getting
Quarantine
Fact
Rabies

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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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