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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Fact
Rabies
Facts
Bypass
Able
Immigration
Wells
Six
Well
England
Time
Completely
Love
Months
Heathrow
Getting
Quarantine

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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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