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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Blindness
Save
Aspect
Money
Unicef
Kids
Buck
Give
Bang
Giving
Bangs
Like
Bucks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
Emo Philips
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Emo Philips
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
Emo Philips
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
Emo Philips
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips