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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Blindness
Save
Aspect
Money
Unicef
Kids
Buck
Give
Bang
Giving
Bangs
Like
Bucks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
Emo Philips
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
Emo Philips
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
Emo Philips
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips