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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Save
Tell
Time
Scuba
Diving
Folks

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
Emo Philips
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
Emo Philips
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
Emo Philips