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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Sex
Learned
Books
Book
Hard
Way

More quotes by Emo Philips

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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips