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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Way
Sex
Learned
Books
Book
Hard

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
Emo Philips
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips