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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Something
Girlfriend
Men
Seeing
Eyes
Eye
Another
Wells
Well
Emo
Trying
Rubbing

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
Emo Philips
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
Emo Philips
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
Emo Philips