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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Eyes
Eye
Another
Wells
Well
Emo
Trying
Rubbing
Something
Girlfriend
Men
Seeing
More quotes by Emo Philips
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
Emo Philips
My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Emo Philips
The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
Emo Philips
They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
Emo Philips
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
Emo Philips
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
Emo Philips
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
Emo Philips
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips
Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips