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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Trying
Rubbing
Something
Girlfriend
Men
Seeing
Eyes
Eye
Another
Wells
Well
Emo

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
Emo Philips