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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Something
Girlfriend
Men
Seeing
Eyes
Eye
Another
Wells
Well
Emo
Trying
Rubbing

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
Emo Philips
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
Emo Philips
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
Emo Philips
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
Emo Philips
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips