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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Eye
Another
Wells
Well
Emo
Trying
Rubbing
Something
Girlfriend
Men
Seeing
Eyes

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
Emo Philips
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo Philips
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
Emo Philips
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips