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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Eyes
Eye
Another
Wells
Well
Emo
Trying
Rubbing
Something
Girlfriend
Men
Seeing

More quotes by Emo Philips

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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
Emo Philips
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
Emo Philips
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
Emo Philips
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
Emo Philips
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips