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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Stage
Girl
Ever
Panties
Rarely
Throw
Fit
Girls

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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