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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Panties
Rarely
Throw
Fit
Girls
Stage
Girl
Ever

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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