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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Stage
Girl
Ever
Panties
Rarely
Throw
Fit
Girls

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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips