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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Fit
Girls
Stage
Girl
Ever
Panties
Rarely
Throw

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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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