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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Battle
Enemy
Sleep
Keep
Long
Sexes
Never
Sleeping
Sex

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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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