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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Enemy
Sleep
Keep
Long
Never
Sexes
Sleeping
Sex
Battle

More quotes by Emo Philips

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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Emo Philips