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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Enemy
Sleep
Keep
Long
Never
Sexes
Sleeping
Sex
Battle

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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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