Quote

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Best
Scared
Much
Horror
Way
Teach
Always
Possible
Dark
Hours
Kids
Daylight
Thought
Fill

More quotes by Emo Philips

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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
Emo Philips
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
Emo Philips