Quote

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Kids
Daylight
Thought
Fill
Best
Scared
Much
Horror
Way
Teach
Always
Possible
Dark
Hours

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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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