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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Way
Teach
Always
Possible
Dark
Hours
Kids
Daylight
Thought
Fill
Best
Scared
Much
Horror

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
Emo Philips
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips