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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Tried
Burst
Kill
Shouting
Hair
Bully
Team
Extra
High
Extras
School
Swim
Body
Fairy
Shaved
Like
Speed
Bullies

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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