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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
High
Extras
School
Swim
Body
Fairy
Shaved
Like
Speed
Bullies
Tried
Burst
Kill
Shouting
Hair
Bully
Team
Extra

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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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