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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
High
Extras
School
Swim
Body
Fairy
Shaved
Like
Speed
Bullies
Tried
Burst
Kill
Shouting
Hair
Bully
Team
Extra

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.
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