Quote

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Like
Stations
Regular
Suits
Fairy
Fill
Station
Dance
Harry
Went
Gas
Guy
Suit

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
Emo Philips