Quote

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Games
Ankles
Doesn
Tied
Hands
Hang
Used
Liked
Come
Dad
Play
Baseball
Saws
Catcher
Game
Catchers

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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
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