Quote

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Hands
Hang
Used
Liked
Come
Dad
Play
Baseball
Saws
Catcher
Game
Catchers
Games
Ankles
Doesn
Tied

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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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