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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Come
Dad
Play
Baseball
Saws
Catcher
Game
Catchers
Games
Ankles
Doesn
Tied
Hands
Hang
Used
Liked

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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.
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Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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