Quote

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Someone
Lemon
Also
Lemons
Make
Wonderfully
Always
Metaphor
Plus
Dad
Works
Hands
Lemonade

More quotes by Emo Philips

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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Emo Philips
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
Emo Philips
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
Emo Philips
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
Emo Philips