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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Plus
Dad
Works
Hands
Lemonade
Someone
Lemon
Also
Lemons
Make
Wonderfully
Always
Metaphor

More quotes by Emo Philips

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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
Emo Philips