Quote

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Everyone
Feeding
Breasts
Sister
Fronts
Front
Baby
Company
Cereal
Whatever
Breast

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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, Emo, don't go near the cellar door! One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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