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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Well
Temple
Think
Managed
Thinking
Temples
Center
Youth
Least
Presbyterian
Body
Presbyterians
Wells
Relatively

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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted should I yay him or nay him? pantywaist ever again.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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