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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Think
Managed
Thinking
Temples
Center
Youth
Least
Presbyterian
Body
Presbyterians
Wells
Relatively
Well
Temple

More quotes by Emo Philips

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I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
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When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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