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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Thinking
Temples
Center
Youth
Least
Presbyterian
Body
Presbyterians
Wells
Relatively
Well
Temple
Think
Managed

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
Emo Philips
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I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
Emo Philips
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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