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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Remember
According
Fastened
Government
Letters
Irs
Back
Spending
Clip
Make
Figures
Pentagon
Paper
Latest
Difference
Apparently
Return
Letter
Differences
Sent

More quotes by Emo Philips

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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
Emo Philips
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
Emo Philips