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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Back
Spending
Clip
Make
Figures
Pentagon
Paper
Latest
Difference
Apparently
Return
Letter
Differences
Sent
Remember
According
Fastened
Government
Letters
Irs

More quotes by Emo Philips

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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
Emo Philips
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
Emo Philips
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
Emo Philips
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
Emo Philips
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips