Quote

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Differences
Sent
Remember
According
Fastened
Government
Letters
Irs
Back
Spending
Clip
Make
Figures
Pentagon
Paper
Latest
Difference
Apparently
Return
Letter

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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
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I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
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