Quote

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Times
Place
Women
Bins
Many
Digging
Heart
Garbage
Always
Saved
Life
Baby
Special

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Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.
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Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.
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