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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Life
Baby
Special
Times
Place
Women
Bins
Many
Digging
Heart
Garbage
Always
Saved

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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, Get off of me, you two!
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.
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I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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