Quote

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Place
Women
Bins
Many
Digging
Heart
Garbage
Always
Saved
Life
Baby
Special
Times

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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.
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