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Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Time
Everyone
Stopped
Life
Night
Famous
Around
Everywhere
Thought
Laugh
Become
Laughing
Used
Stage
Firsts
Went
Laughs
First
Growing
Comedian

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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, children are our most prescious natural resource. I thought, let's hope it never comes to that.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
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I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
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Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
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I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.
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