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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parent
Party
Threw
Away
Letter
Going
According
Letters
Parents
College
Went
More quotes by Emo Philips
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.
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Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.
Emo Philips
I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.
Emo Philips
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.
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Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?
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Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
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If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.
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Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
Emo Philips
