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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
Emo Philips
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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
College
Went
Parent
Party
Threw
Away
Letter
Going
According
Letters
Parents
More quotes by Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Emo Philips
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
Emo Philips
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.
Emo Philips
I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.
Emo Philips
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
Emo Philips
Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
Emo Philips
I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips
Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
Emo Philips
