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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Letters
Parents
College
Went
Parent
Party
Threw
Away
Letter
Going
According

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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
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My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
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They have a sign at the beach, no glass bottles. I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.
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For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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