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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Parent
Party
Threw
Away
Letter
Going
According
Letters
Parents
College
Went

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I learned about sex the hard way... from books.
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I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!
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I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.
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But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits. He said, Like what? I said, Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
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I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
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When I was a kid my dad would say, Emo, do you believe in the Lord? I'd say, Yes! He'd say, Then stand up and shout Hallelujah! So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
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I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.
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I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
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People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.
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