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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

Emo Philips

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Emo Philips
Age: 68
Born: 1956
Born: February 7
Comedian
Film Actor
Stand-Up Comedy
Chicago
Illinois
Rocks
Sound
Love
Surfers
Crashing
Surfer
Florida
Beach

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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.
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I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
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Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
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If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?
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I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
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Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
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I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
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Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
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They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
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